FRIENDLY REMINDER: These are simply jokes, and I am in no way making fun of a real-life event or person. All scenarios are made up and are strictly for my own entertainment, (and hopefully yours too!).
We all love a Christmas film, even the cringy, lovey dovey ones. To be honest though, during the Christmas season when I’ve asked the ever important “what’s your favourite Christmas film?” Some of the answers freak me out. I’m not one to judge, obviously, but I can definitely tell what kind of person you are based on your 'fav Christmas film'. I don’t know, I mean, I’m not a mind reader but I know most ‘Star Trek’ fans love Lego and I know all ‘UP’ fans are hopeless romantic ‘golden retriever types’. If you are one of these following people, let me know so I can laugh! So, without further ado, here’s what your 'Christmas fav' says about you:
Die hard:
Middle-aged man who hates Christmas but tolerates it for his wife and kids. Probably has never and will ever watch The Grinch (either version). Every year you have to remind the kids to be quiet because the 'Queen's speech is on. You pester your wife in the kitchen, eating your body weight in gammon and stuffing and snarl when your hands are whacked away. You Prefer a cheese board over any other Christmas dessert and you're snoring just in time for the family charades game. Budweiser is the only one on your side today as you internally sob in credit card debt.
Home alone collection:
A sarcastic older man who ironically laughs when the burglars fall down every single step, and you gasp in fear that Kevin isn’t gonna make it out alive. OR, you’ve been forced to watch it for the first time by a family member or your significant other and love it. You stopped watching after number 2, though, because why ruin Christmas? Your favourite saying is “keep the change ya filthy animal” and you just googled Macauley Culkin to see how the child actor's doing. Just runway modelled for Gucci? My god, the child actor who had it all, lost it all and has reverted to the former with a newborn and a million and one new job offers? Wow! The power of Christmas amiright?
A Christmas Carol:
A mums favourite! Loves the animated version best and “you’d never think Jim Carey was Scrooge!” You patiently sit with a big smile on your face, black bag in hand ready to collect wrapping paper at 8 am. The film's on as background noise as you put the meat on a slow cook and stand there basting the turkey thinking “I wonder what Ghost would come to threaten me? My mother’s disapproval of my life choices are scary enough!” and “I wonder if (insert husbands name) will agree to watch The Grinch this year, it is a classic after all”. You absolutely MUST have a glass of Bailey's before 3 pm.
The Grinch:
You’re a 20 something old girl and love the “that’s it I’m not going” meme. You have 'Primark' Grinch slippers and matching PJs and you roped your boyfriend into buying a set too. You sit cross legged on the sofa at 8pm with a hot choccy to feel the full effect, but by 8:30 you’re scrolling on your TikTok feed just as the Grinch goes flying down the icy mountain. You’re obsessed with the idea that the Grinch’s only friend is his dog because dogs are the most amazing and beautiful creatures on the planet. Who doesn’t love dogs? You want 10 puppies when you grow up and when your significant other says no to anymore, you buy an eleventh to p*ss them off.
The Nightmare Before Christmas:
You listen to Fall Out Boy daily and Halloween is your favourite holiday. OR, you’re a teenage boy, probably between the ages of 14-16 and you play the bass guitar. Either way, it’s not that you don’t like other Christmas films, you just prefer the aesthetic that TNBC brings, but you know your mum will definitely not let you watch it in the family room because the EastEnders special's on in an hour and she wants to know who killed so and so. You don’t like veg on your Christmas dinner and you’re probably vegetarian too. This Christmas you ate roast potato, mashed potato, boiled potato, and ketchup.
The Holiday:
You’re a probably single, hopeless romantic who loves the idea of meeting your soulmate at Christmas time. You work a 9-5, Monday to Friday job and come Saturday evening, you're on the sofa, Chinese plated up and glass (bottle) of wine at the ready. Christmas is your favourite holiday but you're longing for a significant other to spend it with, so for now you're decorating the tree alone, and Tinder notifications are dinging away, replicating the melody of 'Jingle Bells'. You also watch 'School of Rock' unironically once a month.
Bad Santa:
Christmas is a chaotic time of year for you, and you love to watch 'Bad Santa' go off the rails because he’s living your dream. You're an extremely sarcastic person anyway and are obsessed with the main character because you understand him more than anyone else. Every year you promise yourself that your shopping will be done by middle of November; but alas, come 23rd of December, you're running around like a headless chicken, still don't know who you're celebrating Christmas with this year and you're paying off 3 speeding tickets from the stress of it all. You used to love Christmas as a child, but adulting isn't working out like you'd hoped, especially at this time of year.
Elf:
You're definitely in your late teens or early twenties. You've watched this movie every year since childhood and always envision how spaghetti and syrup taste together. People call you a 'big kid' because you're still obsessed with whipped cream and marshmallows on your hot chocolate; only now, you've added a shot of Bailey's. You wouldn't hurt a fly, just like Buddy the Elf, because you're an absolute softy and probably have AT LEAST three teddies sitting comfortably on your bed right now. You're definitely the cleverest sibling in your family, but if we're discussing most absent minded? You take that crown too. You’re also a die-hard Will Ferrell stan and your favourite movie is 'Step Brothers'.
It’s A Wonderful Life:
If you have heard of it, you love it. It’s a true Christmas classic. It’s one of the only times this year you’ve felt truly grateful for the life you have, and you take full advantage. You go around the rooms of your family home asking family members to go carol singing with you. You also get out the memory book to gather everyone around to look at previous Christmas' together. You don't want Christmas Day to end because you know you have another 365 days to go before you get to feel this magical again. You say, "oh I hope it snows!" six times a day leading up to Christmas, to feel the full effect. The Christmas dinner isn't half bad either.
The Polar Express:
Now that you watch it as an adult, you realise it’s actually a really badly made film but you loved it so much as a kid so it’s too late to go back on your choice. You spend more time defending this film and your life choices than you do watching it, and when you do, you're guaranteed to spend more time on your phone... Or doing absolutely anything else. It's ever so slightly started to freak you out just a little bit more every year, seeing Tom Hanks as basically every character. Nevertheless, it wouldn't be Christmas without defending your (so not) favourite Christmas film. It's your personality trait by now, it must be!
Any Netflix original Christmas movie ever:
Re-evaluate your options. You’re lying to yourself. Please stick ‘The Santa Clause’ on. If it's not a classic, it's not your favourite Christmas film. Look at the options above, pick a new favourite, and then we can talk.
Cassie Moreland